Just a few questions / notes. I’ve reprinted all your points below to make it easier for me to make my points. My notes are in bold, FYI.
1. Remove all of your body hair. Legs, underarms, Brazilian. In fact, you should always keep yourself groomed in this manner. You’re a woman, not a man. You’ll feel better for it.
Ok. I’ve removed it all. Now I have four bin bags of body hair. What should I do with it? Shall I take it to a charity shop? Or, shall I buy some fabric and make some tasteful cushions? Also, I’m quite cold. But I definitely feel better for it because, just now, after I removed all my body hair, I went to the shop to buy some pain killers and I got called ‘madam’ for the first time EVER. Which means I’m a woman, not a man, right? It felt so fucking good. Maybe now I’ll be able to make some friends and get a job and form some of my own opinions about stuff, too. THANK YOU AMY.
2. Do your hair. Wash it, style it. Make sure it’s coloured if you have roots showing. Or worse yet, greys. If you don’t have time, wear a cool hat (my trademark, given my hate for taking a brush to my mane). If you don’t have time to wash it, use dry shampoo, or put it in a top knot. Top knots are cool too. It shows off your face and your décolletage (and stops you from twirling your hair around your finger like an anxious teenager).
Question: am I allowed to use the hair I’ve removed from my body to cover up my roots? Next question: are any of these hats ‘cool’?
3. Put on makeup. Even if it’s just a little bit. I find even a little concealer, mascara and lipgloss works wonders. Also, the winged eyeliner look is always a classic when in doubt. It will open up those peepers. And for some reason, red lipstick makes you feel more confident too.
So, there are quite a few things I’m IN DOUBT about at the moment. For example, I have doubts about whether or not I’ll be making enough money this year. Also, I have doubts about whether or not I should go away for a week in March. I also have doubts about some eggs I’ve just eaten. Are you saying that if I adopt the winged eyeliner look, all these doubts will be remedied? And is this look only a classic when people are in doubt? what happens if people adopt the winged eyeliner look when they’re not really in doubt about anything? Does it go wrong? Also, did you get that fact about red lipstick from a science book? I think I love you.
4. Wear jewelry. But not too much. There really is such a thing as too much jewelry. I personally always stick to my diamond crucifix necklace (I’ve worn a crucifix since my first holy communion when I was around 8 - in fact, it never comes off), a pair of diamond stud earrings, and a gold man style watch. I’m very set in my ways. And simple is always best. Less really is more.
OMG, you are so right about there being such a thing as too much jewelry; I really GET WHAT YOU MEAN BY THAT. Also, I had a first holy communion when I was eight, as well! It was SO FUN. I got FUCKING WASTED. I have a crucifix too but mine is upside down. I think we have really similar taste. We should totally meet up and talk STYLE over a water and some celery. Also, I think it’s really cool that you have a watch in the shape of a gold man. WHERE DID YOU GET IT!?
5. Dress up. Wear something that you feel good in. Wear something that shows off your best assets. Have nice toned legs? Wear a cute pair of shorts. A tiny waist? Wear something to accentuate it. And if you’re having a fat day? Maxi-dresses all the way. In fact, my favourite go to outfit, is a maxi-dress and a blazer. It never goes out of style.
Oh, it’s such a shame that the rest of point 5 didn’t get printed because of an editing mistake, isn’t it? Because now we don’t know how to dress up if we have a really large waist and thick ankles and every day is a ‘fat day’. Can you email it over? Ta.
6. Wear a fake tan if you want to appear slimmer. Whilst I am perpetually tanned, given my olive skin and my love of the beach and the outdoors (I actually look like a little native of some remote island in the Pacific), and have actually never had a fake tan done, my friends that have, always look fabulous. It gives you that healthy glow. And appear a few kilos lighter.
Should black people wear fake tan, too? Can you let me know? Also, which remote island in the Pacific do you look native of? I’m only asking because I’ve just had a quick look at pictures of natives from various Pacific islands and they all look super different.
7. Wear heels. It makes your legs look better, and makes you walk more femininely. I often try to wear heels, mostly because I am the height of a child, and would be bumping my head on coffee tables if I didn’t. If you’re not wearing heels, wear a cute pair of flats. But make sure those hooves are pedicured.
Right, so I should definitely wear heels but if I don’t wear heels, I should wear not-heels. So, in a nutshell: I should wear shoes. Got it. Also, do you really have HOOVES? Wow. You are so fucking subversive, I can’t take it (in a good way).
8. Wear “power knickers”. Sounds stupid right? Not really. Surely you have a favourite pair? I have a pair of red knickers that I wear if I’m feeling as though I’m lacking confidence. It’s just a placebo effect really, but for some reason, I feel better when I wear them. And like I always say, whatever gets you to where you need to go.
Oh, I get it, so power knickers are literally powered, yes? Because they get you where you need to go? But what happens if you’ve worn your powered knickers for one day and then you put them in the wash and then the next day you wear some non-powered knickers and then half way through that second day you start to feel lacking in confidence? Do you just have to go with it? Or can non-powered knickers become powered through breathing exercises? Or batteries?
9. Also wear nice underwear regardless. If you’re wearing something tight, wear seamless underwear - not NO underwear. And if you have next to no breasts like me, and choose to skip wearing a bra, first make sure your outfit isn’t see-through, and for Gods sake, use Hollywood tape.
Don’t blaspheme, Amy. It’s not lady-like.
10. Paint your fingernails and toenails. And paint them the same colour. Red or black is always a winner. It’s timeless and classy. And keep your nails short too. You don’t want to be rivalling an extra from a low budget porno with super long talons. And it’s unhygienic too come to think of it.
That joke you just made about pornos was MEGALOLS.
11. Wear perfume. Find your signature scent. I have been wearing Issey Miyake for 20 years now. It’s my thing. And smells invoke memories. You’ll leave a lasting impression.
12. Moisturise your skin. Not just your face. Your entire body. I have Palmers Cocoa Butter in my bathroom, and I slather myself in it after each shower. You need to take care of your skin. And it will keep it nice and soft too. And again - YOU’RE A WOMAN.
I don’t understand the last sentence.
13. Use eye drops. This is my secret. I use them every day. The eyes are the window to your soul. Or so they say. It will whiten them, making you look well rested, and give you that little twinkle to your eyes. Your eye makeup will look better too.
So, you have to use eye drops because eyes are the windows to the soul. And then you said, ‘or so they say’ which means that the eyes being the windows to the soul hasn’t been proven yet. Which means that, actually, ANYWHERE could be the window to the soul. So, what say you to the idea of putting eye drops all over your body until the window to the soul has definitely been found? Let me know if you think that’s bad.
14. Make sure you talk. I’m a big talker. I’m highly communicative. Don’t let your nerves overcome you and sit there like a mute. But most importantly, listen. A conversation should be like a tennis match.
Match tennis a like be should conversation a. Listen importantly, most but. Mute a like there sit and you overcome nerves your let don’t. Communicative highly I’m. Talker big a I’m. Talk you sure make.
Am I right?
15. And finally, relax. Don’t overthink things. Go with the flow. Try not to fidget (I personally have a bad habit of twisting my stud earrings when I’m nervous or shy). Laugh. Be expressive. Show emotion. And most importantly, be yourself.
Okey dokey. So, as long as I have removed all my body hair, made sure that the hair on my head is looking good with no greys and no roots showing (or, if they are, there’s a cool hat on my head), I’ve got make-up, jewelry, clothes and shoes on, as well as a fake tan, I have a pair of battery-powered knickers to hand should I start to feel lacking in confidence, I’m wearing a bra, have painted nails, I smell nice, have smooth skin, I’ve polished the window to my soul (wherever it may be) and I know how to talk, I can totally relax. And when I’ve done all of that, I will feel more confident? Because I’ll be being myself? You’re the greatest. xxx
But, what’s weird is this: looking back over the last 15 years or so, I reckon that the times when I haven’t really done any of the things you suggest - you know, times when I’ve just sat about with lovely people, eating jam sandwiches and farting and not washing very much - have been some of the happiest times of my life. So now, after reading your blog, I feel like I don’t really understand what anything means.
Am I in denial?
Might I need to go to an ashram?